50 Shades of Purple

I don’t think I can call the page The Klutz Diaries without sharing a few episodes that show how truly clumsy I am. So here are some instances that have been so “traumatic”, they are still ingrained in my memory even though years have passed.

I’m constantly tripping over here, there and everywhere; but when these moments happen at work, they tend to be a bit more embarrassing. An episode that comes to mind occured during my first week working as a journalist. My manager asked me to attend a Prime Minister’s press conference at the office of the Prime Minister at Auberge de Castille. Anyone who’s been in this majestic building knows that there are about 3 flights of stairs to go up to reach the big hall where the press conferences are held. We had been lingering in the waiting area with a bunch of journalists, photographers and videographers for about 20 minutes. When we were finally called in, everyone started rushing up the stairs. Unfortunately, the previous evening I had indulged in a rather rigorous workout after quite a long period of not exercising, leading to my muscles being rather sore. Rushing up the stairs having almost reached the top, my thighs were really cramping. Inevitably at a point my legs gave way. I managed to catch myself before I actually hit the ground but I almost fell flat on my face in front of everyone. My manager gave me a look that could have easily said ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ I just picked myself up and carried on acting like nothing happened. What other choice did I have really?

Photo borrowed from a Google search.

At the Arts Council my colleagues got used to hearing a few loud bangs every now and then. One time I fell down a couple of steps but by then it was somewhat expected, or at least my colleagues had gotten used to it. My most embarrassing moment however occurred during my first couple of days working there. My office there was in a mezzanine which is sort of like a balcony. During my first week whilst sorting out my desk, I dropped an apple which rolled on the floor, over the edge and landed a floor below, almost on a colleague’s head. Luckily it missed by a few inches and tucked itself neatly in a bin. I don’t think this colleague ever really trusted me following this episode, but I definitely made a statement that alerted my new colleagues of my presence.

One of my most embarrassing moments in my personal life happened quite a few years ago with my first serious boyfriend. The first time he came over to my house I wanted to impress him, so I decided to prepare a nice lunch and served it outside in the yard by the pool. We were sitting on your average yard plastic chairs, and as we were chatting away and eating, I accidentally dropped my knife. I tried to catch it but instead, I bounced it off the arm of the chair and somehow gave it more force which sent it flying… in my boyfriend’s direction and it literally passed by his face, quite close to his eye no less! I’ll never forget his shock. I was mortified! I couldn’t stop apologising and could barely look at him after that happened. That episode surely cemented in his mind. A very important fact a person in my life should well know, when around Rachel your life is always in a mild state of mortal danger… but certainly not at risk of being dull.

If you think potential accidental maiming is as bad as it gets… keep on reading. I had an incredibly embarrassing moment the first time I met my now in-laws. As you can tell by now I’m literally an expert at these sort of situations. About six months after we started dating, my (then) boyfriend and his parents invited me to spend the day on the boat with them at Comino. Whilst crossing between islands, they asked me to stay on the upper deck because I’d be more comfortable there, as they put it. (I’m sure my husband knew that me trying to move around would mean trouble, so I guess he wanted me to stay put.) When we got to Comino, they had to lower the anchor and tie ropes and all that. My boyfriend gave me his precious phone, his first touch screen phone which ten years ago was quite a novelty. Placing the phone in my hands he told me “Do whatever you like with it… take photos or whatever but PLEASE DON’T drop it!” I swear I was holding on to it quite tightly, but I somehow lost my grip. The phone went flying to the lower deck, hit the side railing and fell into the sea! To make matters worse, my then boyfriend had fresh stitches in his head, following a small accident he had a couple of days beforehand, so he couldn’t jump in after it. So the first time I met my in-laws, my now father-in-law, had to jump into the sea to fetch this stupid phone. We were pretty certain that the phone wouldn’t work (meaning I even cost my husband a new phone) but he wanted to save his SIM card because of his contacts. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t run away. I was stuck on the boat and the furthest away I could get would have left me stranded on Comino. So after such an embarrassing moment in the first hour of meeting the parents, I had to literally spend the rest of the day with them!

Since I dropped the phone I don’t have photos of the day but this is what the sea usually looks like on one of these Comino adventures.

These are but the mere few of my clumsiest moments… and I haven’t even started the dance and theatre related stories. I’ll save those for another post.

To finish off though, I think I should explain how I got the bruise in the photo. One of  ‘my girls’ who was getting married had asked our dance friends to attend a rehearsal at her new house to learn choreography which would perform during the wedding reception. All went super well and we had a good time and a good laugh. Choreography wasn’t half bad either… It seemed the day would pass without incident but when the time came to leave whilst we were chatting and saying our goodbyes, I tumbled down the three steps outside her house. I literally fell going down the stairs, so I can’t remember how I got the bruise on the front of my leg. What I do remember though is that the bruise took about a year to heal up completely, and I still, to this day, have some skin discolouration where the bruise was.

What we looked like dancing the choreography during the actual wedding. Luckily the bruise doesn’t show in this photo. (Thanks Sue for letting me borrow the photo.)

Trying to look on the bright side, my bruises tend to create some rather colourful body art…. and believe me I get quite a few of them… everywhere. I tend to find new ones in all sorts of shapes and colours, on a day to day basis. And on most occasions, I will have no clue where they came from. I guess what I’m trying to say is; I’m so bursting with art that I unconsciously turned my own body into a canvas.

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