2 years later… another letter to daddy

Will I keep doing this eventually, or will I start forgetting by time? At one point, I will run out of different photos of you to share!

There’s so much that I still want to tell you and share with you. I want you to see how much I’ve grown and changed. I want to ask you whether I’m turning more into the woman you knew I could be. I want to tell you how right you were about so many things, but also remind you how much I still need your guidance and to keep pointing out all my mistakes and wrong decisions. I need you to keep being my king, my angel, my hero… but I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your arms around me, and I need you to wipe away the tears that still fill my eyes, each time I think about you or speak of you.

We’ve recently had family moments that kept making us think, “if only daddy were here…” and collectively mummy, Stef, Nig and I would get tears in our eyes, smile and quickly change subject to make sure that the tears don’t flow. That includes today as we’ll be at another celebration, in Sicily, where mum has been driving around because you’re not here to do so. We’ll still be in festive spirits, because we know that you would have been so happy to celebrate a special day for friends who are like family to us. We’ll keep our spirits positive in your memory because you would want nothing else! But our hearts still crush at every joyous memory. Only because we’d much rather be celebrating these occasions with you and making new memories as a family.

Our hearts are still very much broken daddy, and with every day that passes, I seem to confirm that the broken parts will never mend or heal. Hearing mum share so many memories of you, constantly with tears in her eyes this past week, only quashed me further. I’m not sad all the time. Especially when I’m with the family that sense of home feels stronger than ever nowadays, even though we still fight all the time. I can’t explain to you how much more appreciative I’ve become of mum, and how terrified I constantly am of something happening to her. I try not to be overprotective because she deserves to have her independence and to live. But I do worry about her, pretty much all the time. The connection I had with you however, can never be replaced. Who could ever fill that void?

I had my 35th birthday last month and you know how special birthdays always were to me and I’d always want a party to celebrate it. I used to get so upset if you had to work on my birthday. I always thought you should be taking the day off just to spend it with your princess. So naturally, I wanted to have a special celebration for the big 35, but as we got closer to the day, the will to celebrate dwindled altogether. I eventually realised that it was mainly you who used to organise my birthday activities and make them special. Now that you’re gone, it feels like no one can make them exceptional anymore.

If I had to make one birthday wish, it would definitely be to get a few more minutes with you. To hear your words of wisdom, to see your beautiful smile, to hear you say how proud of us you are, and to get one final hug and kiss. I know that this can never happen and even if it could, it would never be enough because I’d want to repeat that moment again and again throughout my life. We just have to find a way to keep you alive in our hearts through the incredible memories that we have of you. We’ll keep moving forward with our lives, but we’ll never stop missing you.

With all my love,

Your forever Princess xoxo

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