Scribbling through insomnia

These past months have not been easy, and writing has not been coming naturally at all. I’m not even sure where to start. I feel like a big ball of messed up emotions that I cannot process.

I guess at times we just have to admit that we’re not okay. And yet we must keep pushing and trying to make sense of this life and try to continue fighting, hoping that there is something to live for and look forward to, even when we feel that the world is crashing down around us.

I’ve gone from feeling partially numb, and struggling to sing and write (two of the things I love doing most), to mini anxiety attacks and whirlwinds of emotions flooding in at once. From no tears to unstoppable tears, and one too many sleepless nights… and yet the struggle continues and life keeps on throwing one curveball after the other.

I’m writing this on one of my insomniac nights, where thoughts of the classic overthinker flood the mind and won’t let me sleep. But hey, at least I’m expressing myself through my vocabulary again… there’s always a positive side right? I’m awake just after experiencing another difficult goodbye, followed by a car accident that left me even more shaken up. I think it was the physical pain that originally woke me up from slumber, but it’s the emotional pain that won’t let me fall back to sleep.

The physical pain isn’t too bad, considering it could have been a lot worse. I was incredibly lucky. Perhaps dad is working his magic from somewhere in the cosmos and is still holding his protective hand over me. (Thank you daddy xxxx)

People keep saying 2020 is a crappy year and they’re sick of this pandemic and the struggle is real. I fully agree, but does life really have to be such a bitch to keep throwing slaps in the face, one after another?

I’m not saying that it’s all negative. Honestly these past months couldn’t have had more ups and downs and bittersweet moments than they did. From losing a father, to having one of the most fun cabaret performances of my life, to getting a promotion at work that I worked so hard for, but then struggling to cope with stress and anxiety; knowing and cherishing the beauty and love of some extraordinary friendships and human connections to being terrified of losing them because life changes and people move on… and on top of it all, a car crash and a totalled car (or almost). I love rollercoasters, but this is one ride I can’t say I’m too fond of.

If nothing else, the past months have definitely been a test of resilience. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as strong and weak at the same time. I’m truly amazed by how relatively calm I’ve remained in facing a great number of struggles (many of which have not been mentioned), but I’m petrified of reaching breaking point and crashing and burning.

This is as raw as it gets. It’s literally barfing up emotions and jotting them down, with a tear or two streaming down a cheek. These are not thoughts I’d generally care to share. They’re the sort of thoughts that I’d hand write in a secret journal and pray that no one ever reads. But there are times when we need to ask the world to fuck off and to remind ourselves that it’s okay to let our guard down and be vulnerable at times. More importantly, there are people who care and who will be there to support us when we need them, at times even intuitively, and we can never be grateful enough for that! We’re stronger than we think. We just need to hang on and battle through, even if it’s through tears and messy puddles on the floor. As long as there’s the faintest string of hope to hold on to, we’ll be able to make it to the other end.

I’m struggling to believe these words even as I’m writing them at the moment. I generally try to be a bright and positive person and to keep a smile on my face, but this is one of those times when I want to swear at the world because I’m sick of it screwing me over! But if we don’t hold on to at least the frailest strain of hope, what else is there to live for in this world? So I guess we just have to hang on. As R.E.M. sang, what seems like a lifetime ago, “Everybody hurts, sometimes.”

* Since originally writing the post, my family has also suffered the loss of our beloved grandmother, but happier moments are also in the pipeline…. Christmas celebrations and rehearsals and concerts are mere days away… the rollercoaster ride does not seem to be ceasing anytime soon.

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